Heidi is back and this month is all about Pride and coming out. Even now, there are people frightened to be their authentic selves, many living with the dark closet door closed tight and wearing a mask in everyday life. Heidi never believes in forcing other people out, but she does believe that if we all march with Pride and show people it is ok to be who they really are, it can only help. We can also listen to others without judgement or using the info for gossip.
This month’s Dear Heidi questions show we are not all coming out with the support that should be there.
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Dear Heidi,
I am one of three children, me being the eldest at having just turned 30. My parents broke up when I was 16. Funny enough they get on better now than when they lived together.
To all the world my dad is a man’s man, played rugby, loves a pint and all sports. He practically gushes over formula one and he is a great dad.
Heidi, a year ago he came out as gay. I thought he was kidding but no. My two sisters say cool, and mum said she always had a hunch so are all behind it. Maybe I would be too but all my pals whisper about him and worse, he is dating a guy who is a year younger than me. I feel sick when he brings him around and he is not shy about touching him and stuff. The boyfriend I just can’t stand. Heidi, I want to tell dad not to bring him around and not to flaunt the gay stuff near me. Is that wrong? I promise I have gay friends, so I am not anti-gay. I read OutNewsGlobal and I am very pro.
Will Pertwee, Muswell hill.
Oh, my sweetheart, honestly my heart breaks for you. But come on, for the most this is all about you and your hang ups. First of all, if Dad had brought another man home around his own age and they started giving each other back rubs would you be ok with that? I have a hunch it would still be a big no!
The first thing you mentioned is your dad’s masculine; that probably means it was more of a shock than if he had been on the softer side or even a dad who sang show tunes. However, the problems really lie with your friends whispering about him. I can imagine the comments: “Does it run in the family?!” or “You know, I wonder when we went round did his dad want to bum us?” Real playground stuff.
Well Will, if they are real friends, tell them how you are feeling. He is still your dad and a great one you say. You might be surprised how they react if they care for you, and they should be supportive. You’re letting them whisper.
Next and trust me, I get it: a guy younger than you dating your dad is not easy. But your dad is happy. Will, it is time to show what a man you are and put your big boy pants on.
1) Tell dad the truth, that it feels odd and talk about it. Maybe ask dad to meet you halfway and not be too tactile with his partner around you.
2) If this is the one, if this guy is going to be dad’s partner moving forward, why don’t you ask him to come out for the evening and get to know him; you will be amazed what barriers it moves.
3) Talking is everything and if none of the above sounds like a good idea, go and get some counselling. Better still, after a couple of sessions on your own, bring dad in. You are a lucky guy to have a dad you describe as great; you never want to lose that. I just laid mine to rest and trust me Will, you only get one.
There are also support groups out there. https://www.familiestogetherlondon.com
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Dear Heidi,
My son is gay and I love him, he is so good looking and a nice boy. When he came out at 18 I was there for him one hundred percent. Heidi, my world turned upside down when he went into drag. I tried so hard to understand and get with it, but it breaks my heart. Worse still, he is thinking of transgendering. How can I stop him? Heidi help!
Rosemarie, Belfast.
Rosemarie stop what? Your child is being who they want to be. You are liable to push them quicker into the journey by acting as a block. You sound like a wonderful mum Rosemarie. Yes, it can sadly be a shock. Many parents miss (deliberately or otherwise) the signs when their child is a pre-teen, and are shocked when they come out at 16-18. But instead of wondering how to stop your child, let’s take a deep breath and go on the journey with them. I suggest that you seek some help as at present, you’re the one with the issues with your child wanting to identify as they want to be.
There are several groups out there or private counselling. No one is saying it is not difficult for you, but as a mum, you’re there to love, protect, advise, and yes, to pick up the pieces when they make the wrong choices too.
Love Heidi
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Dear Heidi,
The love of my life is what I suppose you would call an old fashioned handsome butch dyke. Sometime in restaurants they call her Sir or address her as a man. The sex is incredible, my close friends love her, and she wants to get married. My law firm is conservative however, and she wants to know why she does not get invites to their functions. So far, I have brushed it off with, “It won’t be your scene”. No one knows at my work as I am very feminine. To be honest, I am in line for a promotion and it could ruin things for me, taking her with me.
Kim, Coventry.
Kim, “Heidi screaming in her bath, so many labels here!” But the one that is most important is LOVE. You love her, so can I suggest that you get over yourself. Might you have a few issues about being gay? She is good enough to take to restaurants, but not to your work events in case your ultra-feminine image is blown? This is the woman you are going to marry? If so, then it is time to be who you really are, there are many feminine lesbians so live your authentic life with the one you love. There is no point in being in a relationship if you cannot be truthful to each other. Oh, next time a waiter misgenders your soon-to-be wife, call them back and correct them.
Love Heidi
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Dear Heidi,
My best pal Dylan has just turned 60. He is hot but to be honest, he does not seem to date a lot. Then six months ago he suddenly brought this guy Patrick around, who seemed nice enough, but straight looking and quite a bit younger. It dawned on me that all they do is come see me, have sex at Dylan’s but never go out. Dylan’s never been to Patrick’s home, and I just found out Dylan lent him 2K. I am worried that he is using Dylan. When I approach the subject Dylan says I am Jealous and to cut it out. What shall I do?
Marco Earl’s Court.
Marco I am sorry, but Heidi is going to be straight with you here. BUTT OUT!
First of all Marco, be honest with yourself; Dylan might have somehow become a pseudo boyfriend during your time together. That’s no crime, Heidi has seen it a hundred times. It is easy to fall into, after all they say you marry your best friend.
Has Dylan once said he is not happy?
It could be he wants something uncomplicated and simple, so what he is 60, Madonna and many hotties are. So, he lent Patrick 2K – if it goes wrong pick up the pieces, that’s what friends do, not rush to judge.
I am with Dylan on this, maybe you’re not jealous but cut it out.
But I still love that you wrote to me.
Hugs Heidi
Heidi Gammon is a qualified integrative counsellor incorporating CBT, Person Centered and Psychodynamic theories and has excellent knowledge in issues such as: adoption, LBGTQI+, bereavement, relationship issues, trauma, anxiety, infertility, stress and more. CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HEIDI’S SERVICES.
