well this year is flying by and thank you for all the emails. I sadly cannot answer them all.
My website is www.counselling-foryou.co.uk. I can be emailed at email@example.com or called on 077421 00463. I am happy to do a 20 minute, free phone chat for anyone interested in having counselling. I also offer face to face appointments in Hampton or counselling by zoom or phone.
This month’s questions are amazing and show that families are still not as kind as they could be when it comes to coming out, the age-old issue of falling for the wrong one and even what do you do when it is just too big.
Please can you help me? I am totally in love with a straight guy at work. At Christmas we all went out at work, and it got a bit heated (I work at a record company, so it was very rock n roll). Heidi, I snogged him in the bathroom but when I went to go down on him, he pushed me out the way and left. We have not spoken about it since but he is still nice to me at workl. Heidi, I can’t get him out of my mind. Shall I talk to him about it?
What a tricky situation to be in. Firstly, there are many people that, on occasion, like to kiss people they just like even if they´re the same sex without actually being gay. They just do not want to go the full way. If you feel you really can’t move forward without talking to him about it, I would ask if he wants to grab a coffee outside of work and see if he even remembers the kiss. When drinking and partying come into play sometimes people do not remember. One of my favourite quotes is “No party post-mortems”. If you feel that you must tell him how you feel, just be sensible and remember you still must work with him.
If he brings the kiss up, you could tell him it meant a lot. Or you wish you could find someone who kissed as well as him. Keep the conversation light without pushing him into a corner. If he does not and you bring it up first, feel out his reaction. If it is a look of embarrassment, put him at his ease. It was just fun for you too. If he wants to chat about it again, maybe do not put all your cards on the table at first.
He might not be ready to accept that side of himself, yet you might need to give him time to catch up. Be there for him if that’s the case. You do not want to lose him as friend or
Gosh what a year it has been. I just came out to my family in January (I am 30) and my mother said, “Oh anything to make yourself different or the centre of attention, really dear!” and walked off. My Dad shrugged his shoulders and said, “Do not bring one of those butch one’s home”. My brother is 28 and a lot cooler, but even he seemed a bit off. I have not seen them since January. I’ve chatted to mum and dad by phone but they have not mentioned it. I want to bring Cara my girlfriend to meet them at Easter when I go up to visit: what should I say?
Love you Heidi,
First of all, bravo for coming out and speaking your truth! I am so sorry your family were not as supportive as you hoped. Sometimes sadly in this day and age it still takes time and a little education before others get their head around it. Your family have not reacted horrifically to the news which is something. Honestly, I personally would not take your girlfriend home this time until they have their head around it a bit more first, as it could be very difficult and hard for you both. It is not fair to bring her into a situation that even you are not sure of.
Go home and chat about things to the family and suggest that maybe next time you bring your girlfriend. If you have to do it this time, make sure you have a good phone chat with them beforehand and give them the option of inviting her to come too.
You may laugh but I am a straight woman, my best pal is lesbian, and we have been friends for years since the army. She does not have a partner and I am single too. Recently I have started to feel that she wants more from me
I am really frightened that if I approach the topic and she says yes it could ruin our friendship as I am just not gay. What should I do?
It is so difficult. They say we should always marry our best friend.
If you feel this is really affecting your friendship you might have a sit-down conversation.
Be gentle, maybe ask why she has not got a partner. Has she not found the right one?
Tell her it is a great shame that you are not gay, but it is not something that has ever been an option for you. This will open the conversation without making it uncomfortable. If she then says I would have loved that you were gay. I would explain to her that you are flattered, and you love her dearly as a friend but that’s it. Ask her how she feels about that and ask her if the friendship can continue as is?
If she is really a good friend, she will understand. Put some trust in your friendship as you have been friends a long time.
Love the column. Look, to put it bluntly, I am a total 100 percent top guy with a huge penis and not bad looking. Heidi I can’t tell you the men I have dated who, when it comes to the bedroom, take one look and go, “GOD NO WAY!” It is that big.
Yes, there are men into ff and into size, but I tend to find them a turn off as I like men to like me. I want to find the ideal guy who is sweet, not a slut, who I can take to bed without frightening them when I drop my pants.
Help me please.
Oh, Gary sweetheart, first stop putting so many labels on things if you want to find love. When it comes down to it, there is nothing better than holding the hand of someone you love or having them in your arms.
Where you may be going wrong is if you have described yourself as top, that’s fine, so I presume you’re meeting men on apps who do not get to know you first. That is ok too Gary, but your first encounter is about sex and when you reveal something that some cannot handle, you are not getting the results you are looking for. Men who enjoy the larger things in life are not sluts, they just enjoy sex of their choice. Could it be you are reflecting how you feel about yourself on to the men who do enjoy well-endowed men?
Can I suggest that you get to know someone first and let them meet the real you. Someone liking you for you might do more for your self-esteem. Then you can discuss how to handle what for many is a prize gift. There is much on the internet on how to handle larger men and as a couple you could enjoy exploring each other and building up so you both get the most out of your sex life.
Heidi Gammon is a qualified integrative counsellor incorporating CBT, Person Centered and Psychodynamic theories and has excellent knowledge in issues such as: adoption, LBGTQI+, bereavement, relationship issues, trauma, anxiety, infertility, stress and more.