OutNewsGlobal’s very own Agony Aunt, Heidi, is back, and she is here to answer your problems or just anything that might be troubling you.
You can write to Heidi at a askheidi@outnewsmail.co.uk and you can read her column by clicking Ask Heidi in the menu at the top of the page on your laptop or by finding it in the A-Z dropdown menu on your mobile.
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Hi everyone,
It has been a diverse month with questions flying in about everything from adoption to a spanking or two!
It is coming up to that time of year when families and friends get together and celebrate. But for many (and not just the LGBTQ community), whilst some are feeling joyous, others dread this period. Some are going back into the closet to go home around family, or are simply not welcome home because of who they are. My next column will look at issues around this, so if you are lonely or worried about going home or being yourself, do write in please.
Love Heidi
Dear Heidi,
Thank you! We love having a lesbian agony aunt. My wife and I have been together
for two years now. We really want to have a baby. We have looked at IVF, but it is really expensive. I am a teacher and Coral, my wife is a carer. A friend suggested
adoption and I am keen on the idea but Coral is worried that we will not have the same connection as we would if we had a baby by IVF. Is there any advice you can give us?
Heather, Bournemouth
Dear Heather
Thank you for your letter. Having a baby as a lesbian couple is a minefield. You have a lot of options; firstly, depending on your postcode, sometimes you can get one free IVF round, however this is very tough on your body and relationship. Another option is IUI (artificial insemination). If you do this through a hospital or clinic, both your names can appear on the birth certificate.
Adoption is another great option and yes, I understand your concern about connection. However, I have a lot of friends who have adopted, and I know that connection is there and very strong. However, it can be a long process and is by no means an easy option, although very rewarding. I would recommend talking it through with a counsellor who has experience in this area (an adoption support counsellor) or just generally talking it through with a couples’ counsellor could help. I wish you the best of luck.
Love Heidi
Dear Heidi,
My best friend of five years has gotten into what seems to be a serious relationship. I knew things would change between us. But he has been very sweet and made sure whenever he can that I am included, and we even have the odd best friends evening. I was really pleased for him. He seems so happy and even started a night class in art two evenings a week.
Heidi, the problem is his that boyfriend said he really wanted to get to know me. At first, my friend actively encouraged the idea. The first few times it was cool, and we had a lot in common, but last week he asked me to come over to his place to pick him up. He was not ready when I got there. When I got in, he opened some wine and had just got out of the shower. He was walking around in a towel. He poured me a glass and instead of getting dressed he sat down and opened the towel and hit on me. I left on the spot. Heidi, he keeps texting me saying things like “You wanted it “. My friend is so loved up. What shall I do?
Paul, Earl’s Court, London.
Dear Paul
Oh, my goodness Paul what a situation! It sounds like you are dealing with the quintessential narcissist. It is all about him and feeding that ego. Or he could be trying to alienate his new boyfriend from his friends by driving a wedge between them.
Sadly, it is a no-win situation. If you tell your best friend, it is almost guaranteed that this narcissist will deny everything and turn it around to say that you made a pass at him. If your friend is as loved up as he sounds, he may choose to believe it. If you do not, then you may be letting a friend get into what sounds like a potentially destructive relationship that is not built on honesty.
You have two choices really. One is to make it abundantly clear to Mr Narcissist not to call you. Avoid seeing them all together, keep an eagle eye on your friend and be there when it falls to bits.
Or (and this would be my choice) the other is to tell your friend what happened and be prepared for you to be the bad guy in all of this. Then, when it falls apart, you know your friend will come knocking on your door first. Make sure you make it about him and not about what happened to you.
Be prepared to wait though, as narcissists are cunning and can weave a web for as long it pleases them.
Love Heidi
Dear Heidi,
Please help me. My boyfriend and I have been going out for a year. We had what I thought was a great sex life but he wanted to spice things up. He has always liked spanking me, I know it makes him more aroused and I do not mind it as the end results are awesome.
But now he has moved things up a notch and it seems we rarely just make love without full on domination and some painful antics. He is older than me and says what keeps the relationship going is upping the game. Even though I am still really turned on by him, when he gives me that wink, I feel worried, not excited. Heidi, what should I do? I do not want to lose him.
Darren, Manchester.
Dear Darren, fantasy is just that: FANTASY. You’re both playing the role play game and it must be consensual between two adults and for both of your mutual pleasures.
Of course, we all go that extra mile for our lover, do that odd thing that drives them wild even though it is not our favourite, or we have a headache. But no one should be worried when it comes to sex. There are lots of people who are into the dom/sub and fetish scene, who have a really healthy relationship. However, they discuss the limits and what they expect.
Validating yourself in a relationship by doing things you don’t like in the bedroom or dungeon is NEVER a good idea. Sit your partner down and have a chat about your sex life. Darren, if he loves you, he will understand and want to come up with something that is mutually pleasurable for you both.
However, it could be he wants to explore his sexuality more and it may be time to move on as you are not compatible. Please be prepared to have a frank and open discussion.
You cannot go on being unhappy during sex.
Love Heidi
You can also contact Heidi Here.
