How fluid is my sexuality? Before I discovered women I just thought I was really fussy about men. I’d had great sex with boyfriends, so I couldn’t be gay. At the age of 21, I first slept with a woman. I was like a kid in a candy shop. Why hadn’t they told me at school that I could date women! Every time I went out, I seemed to meet another attractive lesbian.
The term bisexual was frowned upon by other lesbians though and I remember cringing when a woman I dated referred to me as a “bi quinn”. It was the year later when I met a woman and fell head over heels in love and lust, that I embraced the word lesbian. The feelings were so intense that surely I couldn’t feel this way about a guy. I must be a lesbian.
So for 15 years, I dated women. I fell in love. They fell in love but generally never at the same time. If quizzed about my sexuality, I’d say I was a lesbian but open minded, really I lived in the gay bubbly of London’s lesbian scene and so I never considered that I might be anything other than gay.
And then it happened. A chance meeting with a guy on the beach while away for the weekend. He was hot but I presumed he’d seen the L sign on my head. When he text me asking me for a drink it felt naughty. I tried to make sure we went somewhere no one would know me. We kissed and it was strange, I wasn’t used to stubble – but I liked it.
I went to a lesbian meet up the week after and one woman started telling a story about how she had dated a bisexual woman for two years but the woman wouldn’t tell her friends or parents. I kept quiet about my new boyfriend.
Coming out as dating a guy seemed harder than coming out as dating women.
I was someone who had lived and breathed the queer community for 15 years. Most of my friends were queer. I didn’t feel the label bisexual was right for me. I was experimenting with men but women were my normal and not at all like this bisexual woman my friend had dated.
Even my dad seemed happier when he thought I was gay! I told him I had a boyfriend. His response, “why? I thought you were a lesbian?”. I’d never said I was exclusively lesbian.
Fast forward 6 years and I’ve left the big smoke of London and like many of OutNewsGlobal’s team, I’ve left the lesbian party life for a rural part of Scotland. Is being queer partly environmental? If I was still in London, I’d have a much higher chance of finding a hot woman to date than here, where I’m well known as the village lesbian but other lesbians are a rarity.
Except that I’m not exclusively a lesbian and then I wonder if the local lads won’t come onto me as they’ve heard I’m a lesbian and there are no other LGBTQ women for 85km, according to Tinder. I’m damned either way!
So how do I define my sexuality these days?
As much as I’m an advocate for bisexual visibility, I don’t feel it sums me up, as I used to be 99% lesbian. When I meet LGBTQ people I tend to say queer. I laugh at how straight people seem to still associate the world queer with being an insult. If queer is not normal and on the LGBTQ spectrum, then I’m proud to be queer.
Recently I’ve gone with “shit lesbian”. I like identifying as a lesbian. It’s what I’ve known for a big part of my life but maybe “shit lesbian” is where I’m at being that I haven’t found any women to date for a while. I quite like being a shit lesbian and my part time poly boyfriend does too.