The UK’s conservative poster woman brings things back to a simpler age when there were no PC shenanigans and homosexuals were content serving teas and coffees in the sky.
Here, in her first ever seasonal speech, she is sharing her thoughts in these difficult times; for example: when a man does not know if he needs to ask to pick up the soap in the communal shower or just snap and bend; when a woman takes offence at being offered a seat on the tube as it may suggest she is fat or old, when in reality a tangerine maxi-dress flatters no one unless they are six months pregnant.
Bankruptcy can affect anyone; indeed, even mums out all-night raving at the latest club, still fitting the school run in whilst firing the nanny who has slept with their latest husband, can be affected at this time of year. Spare a wee thought for the likes of Katie and Kerry.
Thanks to Vera and the power of prayer they have created a new line of mince pies with a special sprinkling supplied by Juan Carlos from Columbia; needless to say, they’ve sold out in Essex.
She is also relieved that Eduardo and Wendell, her hairdressers at Blow and Go, are not being deported after an incident with Theresa May’s hair and a blowtorch, which she subsequently claimed made her look like a witch.
Vera noticed no difference, but due to that awful Michel Temer, they are now political refugees. No, they are not gay but, in fact, Brazilians; but what a world we live in when it’s a case of two steps forward and one back.
It is the time of year to reflect on family and the loved ones that have left us; indeed, this is a particularly difficult time for Vera, after an unfortunate accident involving her sister from the wrong side of the family, a self-heating curling iron, a packet of Rothmans and a juggernaut. This leaves Vera with just one cousin she does not like talking to in Stuey. Why people can’t keep to good proper names is beyond her: its Stewart! It’s not the fact that he has taken twenty years off his age by dying his hair a colour that would make Rod Stewart blush, it is that he’s moved to somewhere called Milton Keynes.
Vera being a good Christian does wonder coming up to the Christmas period if he is lonely. It was a relief when on a BA business-class flight to Edinburgh that she bumped into a stewardess who happened to be his neighbour. She told Vera that since he joined something called Grindr, a social app, his bedroom door has been busier than the turnstile at the Britney Spears’ concert in Brighton earlier this year.
Such a relief for Vera, although it is one of the many things wrong today: why can’t people meet over a nice cup of Earl Grey or at the local church dance doing the Baby Shark? People want too much these days, just like little Anne Widdecombe releasing her own underwear range. It is not only reality television that is deluded.
Have a lovely Christmas and enjoy Vera’s words of Christmas Wisdom.