Discovering kink is both tremendous and somewhat overwhelming for most people. It can feel like a dirty little secret, but between consenting adults it shouldn’t be so stigmatised. Many manage to decide they are either tops or bottoms (dominants or submissives) but some of us veer between the two, known as “switching” within the community. This can be an exciting adventure or cause trouble between partners if each doesn’t explain their planned role prior to their sexual encounter. As a somewhat petite female-spectrum switch, I have often found that I am expected to automatically take a submissive role, which is not quite where my entire leanings lie.
Professional dating coach Alan Roger Currie explains it like this: “’Switch,” ‘Flexible’ or ‘Versatile’: When a man or woman maintains at least one sex partner who they behave in an erotically submissive manner with, while also maintaining a completely different sex partner who they are always erotically dominant with, this would represent the behaviour of a ‘Switch’. When a man or woman vacillates between behaving in an erotically dominant manner and an erotically submissive partner with the exact same sex partner, this would represent the behaviour of a “Flexible” or ‘Versatile’.”
Switch and kink
Jean, 34, has had a similar experience to mine. “I have had people of all genders take advantage of my ability to bottom when in reality I would have liked to swap over on occasion. Much like being bisexual, I felt I was expected to make a ‘choice’ and not sit on the proverbial fence.” Sam, 40, has the opposite problem and says he has always been expected to top because of his size and stature. “I have a very responsible day job,” he tells OutNewsGlobal. “Sometimes I just want someone else to take control for a bit. But at six foot two and 16 stone I just don’t appear as a bottom to anyone. I feel sad that I can’t be myself and that I’ve failed to meet a partner who has agreed to let me be.”
Kieran, 23, has never explored the world of kink physically. He has only explored it in his imagination, apparently to great effect. However, he tells us that: “If I was going to, I’m absolutely sure I would be switch. To me it represents a balance of power that seems fair. I hope that one day I meet someone who shares my opinion.” He also says that: “I’m fearful of what that person might think. I don’t want to appear indecisive. I don’t want to seem as if I’m not asserting myself.” Much like Sam, his words reflect the fact that he is – like most who sub – assertive in ‘real life’. Yet he still likes the idea of taking power…
Safe words
It is unfortunate that “Fifty Shades of Grey” has painted such a dim picture of the BDSM lifestyle – and one that most outside of the lifestyle have taken on as a full picture of it. It can be most loving and consensual, even between people who are ‘just friends’. Anastasia’s plight made many of us flinch when we read the book or acted the film. Desperation should never be an element of BDSM, regardless of which side you are playing on. Christian Grey clearly has genuine problems too, which he takes out on his partner. “Why don’t you like to be touched?” she asks. “Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia.” That said, it is refreshing to know that people are finally coming out of the woodwork to discuss these things – and I make full confession to the fact that I did read the book and see the film myself. I would however recommend “Romance” a little more.
Power exchange is a tricky game and as with all BDSM play it requires prior discussion for it to be enjoyable for every party involved. Safe words are essential – “red” being seemingly the most popular way of warning a dominant partner that you are no longer having fun, but of course there are other options. There is also room for being a “bratty sub” and to me this seems a form of plateaued switching. James, 39, agrees. “I always fight back when my Master plays a little fetishy and binds me with silk scarves but still plays gently with me. It’s part of the game and we both love it. I don’t think it would be so good if I didn’t fight back.” Wise words to end on indeed.
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