In which the housemates build a wall, Sally discusses oral sex and Natalie has two strops
In a Trumpian metaphor so thick that if you dressed it in tight white jeans, bleached its teeth and gave it a spray tan, it could get a leading role on TOWIE, house President Kirstie commanded the housemates to build a wall of giant white lego. Big Brother, it has to be said, seldom over-estimates the intelligence of the viewing public, so ensured we knew exactly what they were getting at by emblazoning the wall with the US flag while the Star Spangled Banner blared in the background. IT’S OK. WE GET IT.
Housemates then had to ensure that no unwanted aliens breached the barrier to steal a green card. Some did, some didn’t. Nobody cared. It was a bit boring, even when both The Donald and The Queen pitched up.
But this episode was all about Natalie. You remember Natalie. She’s the American who isn’t Kirstie. Her entire career seems to have been built on appearing on reality TV shows that I haven’t heard of. She was booted off one of these shows for violent behaviour towards another contestant, subsequently invited back and then shown the door marked Get Outta Here after another physical altercation. I began to wonder whether the wall was there to keep interlopers out or to protect the British public by keeping Natalie in. The streets of London are dangerous enough without adding Natalie to the mix.
Prior to the announcement of the wall task, Natalie had asked 67 year old Sally to share her most daring sexual exploits. For Sally, it was oral sex. Natalie found this funny and started talking about threesomes. Just in case Sally’s embarrassment was incomplete, Rodrigo chipped in and quizzed Sally about anal. Pure class.
So what else did we learn? Well, we found out that both Ben and Jermaine woke up with an erection, and that Rodrigo’s pyjamas make him look like an extra in The Lion King. Once Jermaine’s morning glory had subsided, the conversation turned to gay footballers and, specifically, the fact that there are no out gay players in the men’s professional game. Hardeep asked if it would be an issue. Jermaine replied “absolutely not.” This is A Good Thing, but we’re still waiting for the first gay player to take the plunge and come out. I think they’d get support from their clubs, the fans and their teammates – as well as from the wider public – but, given the wall-to-wall coverage of football, it’s far easier said than done. Suffice to say that, were any player to take what would be a massive step into the glare of publicity, OutNews Global and our colleagues in the LGBT press would be nothing but supportive.
I feel a bit sorry for Big Brother. Stormy Daniels, their star signing, pulled out at the last minute (unlike Donald, ALLEGEDLY) leaving them with a whole US Presidential theme which now seems rather pointless. Perhaps they should put together a mock House of Commons instead, where a robotic women could repeat the same uninspiring platitudes over and over again while a confused old man with a beard talks endlessly about Palestine. Just a thought.
Aaaanyway, that’s all for now. Come back soon for more.