God help us all. CBB is back

The weirdly popular Channel 5 show returns to our screens on Thursday 

Hello readers. Before we lash on with a preview of the forthcoming series of Celebrity Big Brother, I need to get a couple of things off my chest. 

First off, I know quite a few people who have appeared on reality shows, including previous series of CBB. I count a couple of them as my friends. I hope they can forgive me. 

Secondly, I don’t do reality TV. I’ve never watched the one with thick people from Essex, posh people from Chelsea or incomprehensible people from Newcastle. I once saw an episode about rich housewives in Cheshire, when my theory that money can’t buy class was confirmed in spades. I also know about Love Island, where people with no body hair cop off with each other in Majorca. I saw one episode of the most recent series before deciding to throw my television out of the window and go to the pub. The highlight of that hour which I’ll never get back was when one of the participants asked her fellow islanders what Brexit was. And who says British TV is dumbing down?  

Anyway, I’ve been trying to get a celebrity columnist to report on CBB for OutNews Global, but they were either too busy or wanted too much money, so I am afraid you’ve got me instead. I last watched CBB when angry former politician George Galloway pretended to be Rula Lenska’s cat, a genuine highlight of British broadcasting history. Actually, that’s worth another look. Here ya go. 

Did you watch it? Are you okay? Do you need a lie down?

This series’ housemates are, as ever, a mixed bag and it appears that you can now call yourself a celebrity if you were once on another reality show and didn’t win it. Hardly the golden age of Hollywood, but there we go. 

First up, we have Stormy Daniels, 39, famous for being a porn star and for claiming to have been shagged by the Pussy Grabber in Chief of the United States. For added spice, she also claims to have spanked The Donald with a magazine WITH HIS OWN PICTURE ON THE COVER. Previous Republican presidents like Lincoln, Jefferson and Eisenhower – were they alive today – would be enormously proud of how their Grand Old Party has turned out. 

Batten down the hatches. It’s gonna get Stormy.

Next, Gabby Allen, who was on Love Island last year. I’m not going to say anything bitchy about Gabby because I met her and her mum at the DIVA Awards in June and they were lovely. She also has the look of Scarlett Johansson about her, which I rather like. GO GABBY! 

A real looker with Gabby Allen

Someone called Dan Osborne’s going into the house. He was on the Essex show, has a baby with Lauren Branning from ‘Enders and is another one of those blokes with no body hair. He’s well built, but you kinda know he’ll run to fat by the time he’s 40. Good. 

Dan and his body (pic Instagram)

Next up, Sally Morgan. My journalistic skills (Google) have revealed that she describes herself as a psychic. Anyone with an IQ of more than 30 knows that there is no such thing, which is why – despite being called out hundreds of times in newspapers and on TV – no so-called psychic has ever sued anyone for calling them a charlatan who preys on the insecurities of the desperate to line their own pockets. THUMBS DOWN. 

 

“Is there anybody out there?” (Answer: No)

Laydeez an’ gennelmen – I give you straight-up legend Kirstie Alley. Alumna of TV classic Cheers and star of the execrable Look Who’s Talking, let’s hope our Kirstie dishes some salacious Hollywood dirt. 

Right up our Alley

 

Ben Jardine – no idea. Can’t be bothered, but a quick scout around the internet tells me that Mr Jardine is famous for not being able to keep it in his trousers. I don’t like the look of him. 

Crikey, it’s getting a bit desperate now. Our next housemate is Natalie Nunn. No, me neither. She is an American who is married to another American. Ssssh. Listen hard. That’s the sound of the bottom of the barrel being scraped. Oh Channel 5, what have you become? 

Hey. A bona fide celeb! Roxanne Pallett used to be on Emmerdale Farm which, by this series’ standards, is the equivalent of having Meryl Streep on board. Still, former soap actors are de rigueur for this sort of show, so good for her. Roxanne is also very pretty and had a terrible car accident recently, so for looks and sympathy alone, I’m on her side. GO ROXANNE! (Don’t tell Gabby). 

Roxanne. She don’t have to put on the red light.

Ah, now, here’s someone you may remember. Chloe Ayling, a model, was kidnapped in Italy for six days last year. At the time of her release, some small-minded individuals accused her of staging the kidnapping as a publicity stunt, but since then the Italian beak has sent the Polish perp to the Big House for 16 years. It must have been a horrible experience, so I’m backing Chloe. GO CHLOE! 

 

What’s Ayling you, Chloe? (Pic Instagram, Milan Police)

Listen! It’s that barrel scraping noise again. Back in the 90s a bloke called Nick Leeson defrauded Barings Bank for almost a billion quid – and that was back when a billion quid was a lot of money. Anyway, Barings (est. 1762) went belly up, Nick dodged the fedz for a bit, got caught in the end and was banged up for six years in Singapore. And now, almost 20 years later, the convicted fraudster is a celebrity. Oh Channel 5 etc etc etc. 

Rodrigo Alves. Sorry, I can’t.  

I wanted to be a serious journalist

Yowza! Another proper celeb. The rather cute Ryan Thomas used to be in Corrie and had a stint in the jungle. Actually, I watched that one too, and he came across as a Genuinely Good Egg. He has a brother. GO RYAN! 

 

Ryan. Dishy.

Our obligatory ex-footballer is Jermaine Pennant, once a star of the beautiful game before turning out to be a bit of a wrong ‘un. Jermaine wants to show the viewing public that he’s a changed man, so it’s quite clear to me that his CBB stint has nothing at all to do with the wedge he’ll trouser from Channel 5 and all about setting the record straight.  

I’ll be necking the Mogadon and tuning in from time to time to bring you regular updates but, for now, I’m going for a lie down. 

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